So I’ve been awake since 3am this morning unable to get back to sleep. It’s now 5am so I’ve decided the whole ‘try get back to sleep thing’ is completely out of the question. I figured I may as well write a post to try to clear my head a bit, plus the telly at this hour is really atrocious. 

Over the past week, Scott and I seem to keep waking at the same time, usually 4am, but today it was extra early. I’m feeling anxious about our scan today to see if there actually is a heartbeat, the hot flashes I’ve been having all morning also haven’t helped the sleep situation.  

Emotion wise, the past week has been pretty shitty to be perfectly honest. The first few days following our scan (last Thursday) were spent on Google in search of stories like ours that had a positive outcome. And it pains me to say it but I couldn’t find any IVF related ones, only natural pregnancy where there is every possibility the person miscalculated when they ovulated. As a result I’ve decided that if we have good news today I’m going to post our story on every forum known to man! 

Scott and I have been having freak outs all week followed by bouts of positivity. He quizzes me everyday on how I’m feeling. Do I feel different, am I bleeding, is there any cramping, am I nauseous…the poor bugger it’s doing his head in. He told me he “has never wanted something so badly in his life”. 

I’ve had no further bleeding or cramping since last Thursday which is somewhat reassuring. I’m hoping that the bleeding was maybe due to an irritated cervix (as a result of all the pessaries and gel I’m cramming up there). Who would have thought that I would have ever “hoped for an irritated cervix” just one of the many wonders of IVF. 

As for symptoms, I have had some nausea  however I honestly can’t decipher whether it is a good sign or whether I’m just making myself sick with worry. I’ve also had hot flashes and a strange mild tugging sensation on my left hand side of my uterus (I think that’s where it is anyway!) 

I had my first decent cry on Saturday night which was actually a little unexpected. One of my friends had messaged to ask how it was all going (I had told some friends we were doing IVF, but hadn’t been updating them with the progress). And that single little question just triggered a big ol’ cry fest. To be honest, I had to get it out, I am a cryer, that is how I usually deal with things and it allows me to release and move on. 

On Sunday morning though I continued this theme with a massive breakdown. I was in the midst of it when our two friends came by that morning. Luckily this particular friend has been my best mate for 14 years and has been by my side on more than one occasion when a shitstorm has hit. I’m not sure about her partner though, I may have scarred him for life with my Oscar worthy outburst 😂😂

The boys went to golf and my friend and I went out for lunch (delicious pasta) and as always she let me vent my heart out (she is such an amazing friend!) Needless to say I felt so much better after our catchup, it was just what the doctor ordered! 

On Monday I had the day off and spent the entire day ‘resting’ oh and watching 8 hours of Outlander (as you do). It was in preparation for my initiation into ‘Outlander Night’.A little tradition held by some of my friends where they get together with wine, dinner, dessert and watch’Outlander’. Because they were starting on the second season, and I hadn’t watched any episodes at all nor read the books, I thought it best that I try to get some education before then! Anyway Monday was all in all a success by finally keeping me occupied enough to leave Google alone! It has firmly cemented my belief that the sweet sounds of a Scottish accent can sooth many an ailment.  

 I’ve been really enjoying the series and had a great night with the girls, although my friend did completely lie to me when she said the series wasn’t very bloody 😬(I absolutely hate seeing violence & blood), she is a nurse so I really shouldn’t trust her with these claims! 

On Tuesday I went to my weekly acupuncture appointment and used that time to think positively about today, I pictured the specialist telling me that the heartbeat was really good and strong. I pictured Scott and I hugging and shedding tears of relief. I really hope this is how today will go. Still have no idea how to feel. We are reminding ourselves every day that whatever the outcome we will be ok. 

As the week progressed I’ve done less googling and obsessing, I’ve come to realise that there is nothing I can do, but hope & wait. 

In a few hours time we will have an answer.

Until then…