Nothing

There was nothing on the scan but an empty gestational sac and a yolk sac.

Both sacs had increased in size since last week, which explains why I’ve actually finally had some nausea this week. The gestational sac can continue to grow & raise hCG levels and therefore cause pregnancy symptoms (because sometimes Mother Nature can be so very cruel). 

Please note: I discuss miscarriage in this post which may be a raw topic for some.

Our doctor was amazingly kind to us. He took the time to explain the situation in full as well as our options. He was extremely thorough in his explanations. I could tell that this was a part of his job that never got any easier. I held in the tears until we made it to the lifts but even with our brave faces on, it was obvious we were broken. 

The doc immediately offered to refer us for a second opinion to further confirm, although he stated he was 100% sure that this was not a “progressive pregnancy”. Scott and I decided not to prolong the painful process.

I’m now to stop all my medication. Then I either have the option to wait it out and miscarry naturally or the option to have the sac removed surgically via a D&C procedure. He performs these procedures on Wednesdays & Fridays, so we could do it tomorrow if we chose to.

I don’t know whether I’m ready for a D&C tomorrow, but with every delay in becoming parents there is only more hurt and frustration, it makes me feel a bit frantic. I also don’t know whether I can handle waiting for such a traumatic event to come and then continue for weeks on end. 

He explained that a natural miscarriage may not start for weeks, some don’t even start until the 12 week mark. As I said, Mother Nature can be heartless. Alternatively it may start in a few days but not end for weeks. I should have been 7.5 weeks today and it was still one week behind in growth. Anything prior to 10 weeks does have less complications for a natural miscarriage. 

As with any surgery there are risks involved. Unfortunately some of the complications have the potential to decrease your fertility further. Possible complications with D&C are as follows:

  • Complications related to anesthesia
  • Injury to the cervix
  • Scarring of endometrium
  • Infection of the uterus or fallopian tubes
  • Uterine perforation (hole in the uterus)
  • Bleeding
  • Damage to other organs in the abdomen
  • Need for additional surgery
  • Possible need to remove the uterus ( hysterectomy)

Pros to the D&C are that it may be less distressing for some to not see the sac, and there may also be significantly less bleeding. Also, it can be sent for genetic testing to confirm the reason it stopped developing (I guess for further closure). 

The doc said there was no need to be hasty in making any decision. He told us to take our time to decide and call him whenever we have anything we need to discuss. He offered to write me a certificate for time off work for as long as I needed. 
What’s next:

After the miscarriage we will need to wait one more normal cycle before we can proceed for the next round.

And yes we will be going for round 2. Starting again from scratch. We only had one embryo who really did give all it had. It was a tough little embryo that survived long enough to tell us that I am capable of getting pregnant. For that knowledge we are so very grateful. 

A month ago, when we had the embryo transferred Scott was brainstorming nicknames, he said “I know look up Million Dollar Baby (the film), she had a nickname” this was Scott’s daggy sense of humour because this baby had cost us a lot of money and also because it was a fighter (it had finally gotten to blastocyst stage 1 day late when we thought it wasn’t going to make it). I wasn’t sure about his suggestion (nor his dodgy sense of humour) but when I googled it and found “Mo Chuisle” an Irish phrase meaning “my pulse, my darling” it seemed appropriate in more ways than one. So we had named our only embryo Mo. 

If you are reading this and have had a D&C or natural miscarriage, I could really do with some advice. So if you have any words of wisdom I would love to hear them. 

Scott and I want to thank our friends and family for supporting us both through our first IVF/FET. And to the other bloggers out there who have followed my journey so far, thank you so much. Sharing this here has been one of the most rewarding things I’ve ever done. Although we have never met, we are no longer defined as strangers. We cannot thank you enough for the kind comments and encouragement.

35 thoughts on “Nothing”

  2. AKL says:
    Reply

    I’m so sorry for you both and I know the heartbreak you are feeling. I had a similar situation a few days before Xmas but I was almost 9 weeks. I had a D&C next day and it was such a minor procedure I was almost disappointed that it didn’t match with my emotions. The dr said it took him 10 mins. Physically, it was not intense. The worst bit for me was my digestive system went mad for a few days afterwards. I barely had any bleeding and only very mild cramping. Emotionally it was about 1000 times harder but unfortunately there is no magic operation for that. I wasn’t much good to work for a while afterwards but that wasn’t because of the physical. Oh, and I had to go celebrate Christmas with my hubby’s parents 2 days after my D&C like nothing has ever happened. His brother and gf had given birth just 3 weeks prior so in the middle of all my grief everyone was delighting in this new baby. So if you’re weighing up the options I vote D&C as you could be waiting weeks for a miscarriage and I understand they are painful and you bleed a lot!! But go with what works for you. Sending lots of love. xxxxx

    Liked by 1 person

    • Ash says:
      Reply

      Thank you so much for taking the time to share your experience. That would have been a very traumatic and difficult time for you especially at that time of year with a new baby in the family. I can’t even begin to imagine how awful that would have been. I’m sorry you had to experience it. I think I am leaning more towards the D&C but I understand what you mean about the emotional side not matching the procedure. I really appreciate this, thank you xxx

      Liked by 1 person

      • AKL says:

        I was not prepared for the emotional side. Even now I am not “over it” but trying to look past it. One thing to warn you of, the dr gave me a pessary to insert late at night before the procedure. This softened the cervix but I’m almost certain that what it does is induce labour as that was super painful. He warned me of the pain and I almost welcomed it but then it got so bad I was in the frame of mind to “just go to the clinic and get some drugs!!” So if they give you that just know you ain’t going to sleep!!

        Liked by 1 person

      • Ash says:

        I don’t think there is anything you can do to prepare you for that emotionally. Thanks for the warning, any information is so good to hear because I feel like I really can’t comprehend what I’m in for.

        Liked by 1 person

      • AKL says:

        Mine went something like this
        Midnight the night before: insert magical pessary
        3am intense pains started (almost no sleep thereafter)
        6am Up and ready to go as pain is so distracting
        7am Checked in to the clinic
        Went straight to the surgery area (the main surgery room not the place they took my eggs out from)
        They put in a central line, gave me some drug that made me dizzy and cry
        Next thing I knew I was in recovery and it was all done.
        I was woozy for a while but I actually was home by 10.30am – but I live very close to my clinic and the doctor knows my in laws very well so I think he was happy to let me go whenever I wanted to go (I wanted to go immediately)!!!
        I went straight to bed at home and woke up at 2.30pm totally starving!!!
        No real symptoms thereafter but the preggo hormones stick around for a few days which made me alternate between constipation and diarrhoea which was painful but settled down after about 5 days. But maybe that’s just me as I’m a bit sensitive to stomach troubles. Honestly, the procedure was minimal and a lot better than the egg collection!

        Liked by 1 person

  3. KLA says:
    Reply

    I’m so sorry you are faced with this awful decision. My heart is broken for you. We have been there and neither option is pleasant. I’ve had a natural, D&C and I’m in the process of another natural. The D&C was basically painless. I’m in Canada so they may do things different but I was admitted to day surgery, was wheeled into the OR, had my IV put in and literally 2 mins later, I was out. Recovery wasn’t bad at all. Basically no bleeding, only very small cramps. I complained more of a sore throat from the tube during surgery. I hate to say it was easy because I don’t remember crying so much in my entire life that weekend. Physically, it wasn’t hard. Emotionally, the most difficult thing we have ever dealt with. The natural was painful for 30 mins, the most intense cramps I have ever felt. I bled more about a week after but it was so incredibly hard seeing tissue every time I went to the washroom. Again, I’m so sorry you’re faced with this choice. I wish you comfort and healing whatever decision you come to. Feel free to ask any questions, I could give you my email if you have more Q’s. I’m here for anything 🙂 Love and hugs to you and your family.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Ash says:
      Reply

      Thank you so much for sharing your experiences, I really appreciate it. Yes I see that you are currently going through such a horrible time. It’s been a really rough few weeks for you with all the ups and downs, they really wreak havoc on your emotions. I’m so incredibly sorry for all your losses. I’m keeping you in my thoughts during this time. Love to you and your family too. Xxx

      Liked by 1 person

  5. Nara says:
    Reply

    Oh Ash, I’m so sorry to hear this. I want to give you a massive hug. It’s heartbreaking.

    I had a miscarriage last year. If you check my blog under posts from July 2015 you can find the posts. I had planned to have ERPC (or whatever they call D&C nowadays) and it was scheduled for the Monday but I started bleeding on Sunday.

    Quite honestly I would have preferred to have the procedure as you can’t predict a natural miscarriage. It was painful and traumatic and horrible. I’m someone who is okay with doctors and medical procedures so they don’t really bother me. It depends if you find medical stuff traumatic.

    In terms of natural miscarriage it can take up to two weeks and you can bleed on and off. The majority of my bleeding happened the first day and I just lay in bed whilst taking trips to the toilet, and dosed up on painkillers. The second and third day’s the bleeding was still going but then it was just on and off for a couple of weeks.

    I would say that the emotional fallout was far worse than the physical stuff. My doc signed me off for two weeks and I was really glad I didn’t have to go into work. I just wore an industrial sized pad and sat on the sofa in my PJs the first week. The second week we had a little break (long weekend pre planned) which really helped as I didn’t have to think about not being pregnant any more. I also had a desk based job for a few weeks when I went back to work (as I usually travel).

    Hope this helps. Sending you love. Xx

    Liked by 2 people

    • Ash says:
      Reply

      It helps immensely thank you for sharing your sad experience. I’m so sorry for your loss Nara. I just read your post from then and it was very brave of you to document your experience so honestly. It really is the most awful thing for us to have to bleed it all out, in intense pain both physically and emotionally. Thank you for this. The medical procedure doesn’t really daunt me and I think it may be slightly easier for me to deal this way.

      Like

      • Nara says:

        I just reread it and the one thing I would say is: It’s true that time does heal. I’ve had a long time since then to deal with it, and it was a big shock to have to deal with (although always a possibility) – it just seemed enormous at the time to deal with my first ever pregnancy and then first miscarriage in quick succession.

        I think if it happens again I would definitely opt for the medical. I do understand why some people don’t want further medical intervention though. Tbh I am done with having wands shoved up me! But there’s not a great deal of choice. I think that you have to deal with it in your own way. Take some time and relax, and ideally get away for a bit afterwards – we had a lovely holiday with Dog in the second week and it was healing (up to a point).

        Sending you hugs xxx

        Liked by 1 person

      • Ash says:

        I’m glad that you are healing Nara. And this is of course very reassuring to know. Thank you for your kindness. We’ve actually got two long weekends (this weekend and next weekend) in Aus so I guess that is one pro in this shitty situation. I will definitely try to fill them with some day trips and other nice things. I loved how in your post you included a reference to ‘kintsukuroi’ in relation to mending. I thought that was quite a beautiful way to look at this, plus I do pottery and we’ve only just been talking about it in class. May we all heal and may these experiences only make us stronger and more magnificent x

        Liked by 1 person

  6. wonkygenes says:
    Reply

    I’m so so so sorry to hear this. I had a chemical at 5.5 weeks which passed naturally fairly quickly so I can’t offer any advice on that front. You are very much in my thoughts though and I hope that you can start mending and finding your way back to a happy place when you’re ready. I’ve just started seeing an infertility counsellor and I think she’s gonna be really helpful for the emotional side of things. Have you thought of seeing someone? Sending hugs.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Ash says:
      Reply

      So very sorry for your loss. Thanks for sharing this with me. I think that’s great that you are seeing a counsellor, it takes guts to take that step. This has been harder than I ever expected not only the pregnancy ending but the entire IVF process. It’s so unbelievably challenging so I think that I would definitely consider counselling in the future. Xxxx

      Liked by 1 person

  7. maybebaby says:
    Reply

    Argh hun that’s so sad. I’m really sorry it didn’t work out😢. I’ve unfortunately been thru two miscarriages both at around the 7.5/ 8 week mark. The first time I had natural one. I found it extremely traumatic and painful. I really didn’t want to go thru it again. So the next time had a D&C. It was very straight forward and I felt I could move on quicker. It’s not an easy choice and very personal. Look after yourself xxx

    Liked by 1 person

  8. Ash says:
    Reply

    Two miscarriages, that would have been absolutely devastating. This is an incredibly helpful insight to help make my decision, so thank you for sharing this with me. I’m already leaning towards the D&C but this is making me feel much more certain. xxxx

    Like

  9. Rita Dixon says:
    Reply

    I haven’t any words to make you and Scott feel better Ashleigh at this time. I wish I did. I just want you to know that I admire your courage in sharing your story. Please try to be easy on yourselves. xxxxx

    Liked by 1 person

  12. unplannedinfertility says:
    Reply

    I’m so so sorry. I have yet to be PG, so I’ve never experienced a MC, so I have no advice to offer. But I’ll be thinking of you, and hoping that whatever resolution you choose, it’s over quickly for you. Be extra nice to yourself and take time to grieve if you need it. xoxo

    Liked by 1 person

  14. ivfkeyboardtherapy says:
    Reply

    Oh no no no mate, I am so sorry. I had a D&C after 9 wk miscarriage last year and no complications whatsoever. Everyone was very caring & it was over very quickly with only a little mild cramping after. I was not prepared to wait for it to leave naturally for a mental reason, felt I needed to get” it”out -and deal 😞 hang in there sweetie, you have more strength than you know. You take care xxxxx💐

    Liked by 1 person

    • Ash says:
      Reply

      So sorry for that loss. And yes I feel the same. I’ve just made a call to the specialist and he will call me back to book me in. Thank you for sharing this and for helping me make this decision. Much love xxx

      Liked by 1 person

      • ivfkeyboardtherapy says:

        All my thoughts and love/strength are with you as it is an emotional day as well once you get prepped for surgery. But for sure its a good decision to just get it done so you can move forward mate. Big hugs to you xxxxxx

        Like

  15. Julie says:
    Reply

    I have just heard the news Ash. My heart is breaking for you. There are no words to really say how I feel . Yes grief comes in many forms and anything can trigger it. A sight, a sound, a thought, a memory. You are an amazing lady with a wonderful way with words, and yes very strong. Your reaching out to people in this blog will hopefully help a little with the pain. For me after we knew the prognosis for Wayne and my contact with people who had lived and survived the process we were going through was a life line. Best wishes on the next round. Lots of love Julie

    Liked by 1 person

    • Ash says:
      Reply

      Thanks Jules, yes indeed writing this blog has helped immensely with the pain. I don’t feel ready for the next round yet, but I know I will with time. I think no matter how big or small a loss we must give ourselves time.
      Not a day goes by where I don’t think of you, much love xxx

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