When I first found out I was pregnant I thought Mother’s Day would be different this year. I would have been 10 weeks along, almost through my first trimester.
After the loss, everything came crashing down, harder than ever before. I know it seems ridiculous but I couldn’t face babies, I even started selecting where we would go for our weekend brekky based on whether pregnant women or babies were present. Unfortunately it seems as though I’m some kind of magnet for pregnant women as of late…if only I could attract some bloody fertility.
I deleted my Facebook app in anticipation for Mother’s Day and I think I will keep it that way for quite some time…I haven’t missed it and realised it has only made me feel worse about myself not just in relation to motherhood but in every way imaginable because our lives have been on hold for so long. The things we love like travelling and our home renos have been pushed aside because we have no idea how much money we will need to get there in the end.
On the day before Mother’s Day, Scott suggested we go to the beach for the day. Since “operation avoid all babies” had been in place for a couple of weeks by then I was pretty unenthused about venturing out in public to a hotspot for families. I was also very unenthused about being in my togs after gaining 6kgs on fertility drugs.
In my head I weighed it up.
I love the coast. It will always be a profound place to me because it was not only where Scott and I were living when we first met, but it was also where I discovered so much about myself. It was the place where I went through a devastating breakup and depression and also the place where I was at my happiest and where I fell in love.
Scott says when he first met me, I exuded confidence and positivity, I was untouchable, nothing could get me down. I relish the thought that I was ever perceived that way because I had battled depression on and off for years prior to then and had always been a shy person. I had consistently felt self conscious and not good enough until I moved there.
We lived a great carefree life together. Swimming, kayaking, bbqs, camping and parties a plenty, it was wonderful.
I looked at my life now, I hadn’t gone for a swim at the beach for literally years…2 or 3 I’m not sure. I’ve been to the beach in that time but never had enough confidence to get in a bathing suit.
I’ve hated my body so much that it prevented me from doing one of my most favourite things. How ridiculous is that?
So I decided to take Scott up on his offer. And I told him “I have to swim no matter what, no matter how fat I feel, no matter how cold the water is”
And you know what, I did and it was INCREDIBLE! It was super crowded as expected but we somehow managed to find a perfect secluded swimming spot. Scott tested the water with his foot and concluded, “yep, it’s going to be a run and dive” so in he dove and I followed. I ran and dove into the cold water and it felt so incredibly delicious. In that moment it really felt like something significant had happened. I felt a release of some kind.
When had I stopped being the girl who seemed invincible? At what point had the negative self talk about my body taken over? When did I become this rigid half person? When did I stop doing the things I love? When did I stop diving in?
Which brings me to: Wonky Genes’ post “Ahh f*** it” you can read here
I’ve been thinking a lot about the sacrifices those suffering with infertility make. The enormous amounts of money down the drain, the lifestyle changes, the way our bodies are constantly being poked and prodded with different tests & different meds, all the appointments and schedules. It’s so easy to get swept up in this and forget who you once were, and to remember that once upon a time our infertility didn’t define us.
My current goal is to stop drifting through my life and instead start living it. I’ve started by planning a trip for my mum to Sydney with her and my sister to see the Frida Kahlo exhibit. Something we desperately want to see.
Hopefully a bit of Frida’s spirit might even rub off on me. If you don’t know who she is, you should google her life story or even watch the movie ‘Frida’ she is one of the most remarkable women to ever live.
And although I’m not sure where I’ll be with IVF then, and although money is tight I thought “ahh f*** it”.
It’s time to start living.