When I first found out I was pregnant I thought Mother’s Day would be different this year. I would have been 10 weeks along, almost through my first trimester.
After the loss, everything came crashing down, harder than ever before. I know it seems ridiculous but I couldn’t face babies, I even started selecting where we would go for our weekend brekky based on whether pregnant women or babies were present. Unfortunately it seems as though I’m some kind of magnet for pregnant women as of late…if only I could attract some bloody fertility.
I deleted my Facebook app in anticipation for Mother’s Day and I think I will keep it that way for quite some time…I haven’t missed it and realised it has only made me feel worse about myself not just in relation to motherhood but in every way imaginable because our lives have been on hold for so long. The things we love like travelling and our home renos have been pushed aside because we have no idea how much money we will need to get there in the end.
On the day before Mother’s Day, Scott suggested we go to the beach for the day. Since “operation avoid all babies” had been in place for a couple of weeks by then I was pretty unenthused about venturing out in public to a hotspot for families. I was also very unenthused about being in my togs after gaining 6kgs on fertility drugs.
In my head I weighed it up.
I love the coast. It will always be a profound place to me because it was not only where Scott and I were living when we first met, but it was also where I discovered so much about myself. It was the place where I went through a devastating breakup and depression and also the place where I was at my happiest and where I fell in love.
Scott says when he first met me, I exuded confidence and positivity, I was untouchable, nothing could get me down. I relish the thought that I was ever perceived that way because I had battled depression on and off for years prior to then and had always been a shy person. I had consistently felt self conscious and not good enough until I moved there.
We lived a great carefree life together. Swimming, kayaking, bbqs, camping and parties a plenty, it was wonderful.
I looked at my life now, I hadn’t gone for a swim at the beach for literally years…2 or 3 I’m not sure. I’ve been to the beach in that time but never had enough confidence to get in a bathing suit.
I’ve hated my body so much that it prevented me from doing one of my most favourite things. How ridiculous is that?
So I decided to take Scott up on his offer. And I told him “I have to swim no matter what, no matter how fat I feel, no matter how cold the water is”
And you know what, I did and it was INCREDIBLE! It was super crowded as expected but we somehow managed to find a perfect secluded swimming spot. Scott tested the water with his foot and concluded, “yep, it’s going to be a run and dive” so in he dove and I followed. I ran and dove into the cold water and it felt so incredibly delicious. In that moment it really felt like something significant had happened. I felt a release of some kind.
When had I stopped being the girl who seemed invincible? At what point had the negative self talk about my body taken over? When did I become this rigid half person? When did I stop doing the things I love? When did I stop diving in?
Which brings me to: Wonky Genes’ post “Ahh f*** it” you can read here
I’ve been thinking a lot about the sacrifices those suffering with infertility make. The enormous amounts of money down the drain, the lifestyle changes, the way our bodies are constantly being poked and prodded with different tests & different meds, all the appointments and schedules. It’s so easy to get swept up in this and forget who you once were, and to remember that once upon a time our infertility didn’t define us.
My current goal is to stop drifting through my life and instead start living it. I’ve started by planning a trip for my mum to Sydney with her and my sister to see the Frida Kahlo exhibit. Something we desperately want to see.
Hopefully a bit of Frida’s spirit might even rub off on me. If you don’t know who she is, you should google her life story or even watch the movie ‘Frida’ she is one of the most remarkable women to ever live.
And although I’m not sure where I’ll be with IVF then, and although money is tight I thought “ahh f*** it”.
It’s time to start living.
The year of YEAH! 
I love your outlook on moving forward and being positive!!!! xxx
LikeLiked by 2 people
Thank you so much! Trust me I’ve been very negative over the past couple of weeks, it hasn’t been pleasant. Time to pick myself back up xx
LikeLiked by 1 person
Hello Ash…I’m amruta. This is my first IVF cycle in Australia. Am sooo nervous,was not well today after taking those orgalutran and gonal f injections. My Husband got to know about ur posts and ur journey, he showed it to me.
I really liked the way u have explained ur journey in detail. First hand experience. And u are one positive person…I must say. Ur optimism is commendable. I don’t know whether ull be able to see this post or not…if yes…I’ll be honoured.😊
Hope all well with u…I’ll try to follow ur posts if ur still writing/blogging.
Lots of love,
Amruta.
LikeLike
Hi Amruta,
I have no idea whether you will see this or not because I’ve only just logged in for the first time in YEARS and saw your comment. Your comment really touched me. I tried very hard to maintain a positive outlook but it was harder than I could have ever imagined. All worth it in the end as I got my happy ending and now have a 2.5 year old boy. I’ve wanted to come back and write more and document what happened but it was very confronting and upsetting to do so, and the truth is there were many times when I didn’t believe I would be able to ever become a mother. How are you going? I sincerely hope your IVF journey was a success, thank you so much for reaching out.
LikeLike
I love this post! Good for you for going swimming. I can completely relate to the weight gain thing. Mine is more like 10+ kg and it’s driving me insane. I feel so out of body right now. I’m hoping it is worth it. I’m so glad you are feeling so positive! Xx
LikeLiked by 1 person
Sorry for the late reply I’ve been away the last few days with hardly any reception! I went straight to your feed to check on your progress and I’m so glad to see that it’s still flooded with positive pregnancy tests! Gosh I’m so freakin happy for you Nara. You and T really do deserve some great news! Thanks so much for your comment! I think the weight gain thing kind of feels like the final straw…it’s like gee give us a break we already feel like absolute crap! Like you said, as long as you’re pregnant it will all be worth it! X
LikeLike
Ahhh!!! I feel totally honoured that you referenced my post!! And I’m SO pleased that you have had this positive experience. It’s not always easy to cling to it but I’m planning on doing so. I’ve been doing yoga since our failed FET and it’s helped loads with regaining my body positivity (the first time since starting ivf where I have felt happy with how it looks). So pleased that we can all help and inspire each other. XXX
LikeLiked by 1 person
Ha your post was so awesome!
And yes totally! Yoga is amazing. It helped me to see my body in a different light and to learn self respect. I usually go to a beautiful class every Friday night but I haven’t for AGES! So that probably hasn’t been helping how I’ve been feeling. I’m definitely going back this week though! It’s just soooo therapeutic and I think people don’t realise how healing it is until they try it! X
LikeLiked by 1 person
You’re allowed to be negative sometimes. Glad you’re finding your way back to your positive outlook though. A positive attitude serves you (and everyone) better. Good for you for diving back in, literally and figuratively! Glad you guys turned a hard day into a good one for you. xoxo
LikeLiked by 1 person
I feel you and I couldn’t agree more. Time to loosen up and rediscover the real you. I’m starting tonight on my own mission. So far it’s involved a large glass of wine and now I’m having trouble typing. Next step is international adventures and hopefully at trip to the motherland (and my Mum specifically) back home down under. xx
LikeLiked by 1 person
I’ve been away for a few days so I’ve only just caught up with your posts. There is nothing I can say really, other than it’s absolutely shit what has happened to you. Completely utterly shit. I hate that this has happened to you again. It’s so very cruel. Hang on to those plans of international adventures, I think we all need something to look forward to, to simply survive the torture. I’ll be thinking of you during this time xxxx
LikeLiked by 1 person
Yes it is utter shit. Couldn’t have said it better myself! But what can we do but plow forward as best we can. I swear I wanted to give it all up on Saturday but I’m feeling a bit stronger today. Some more rest and more wine and I hope to keep improving! Thanks for your support. I hope we can both find success in the not to distant future. xxx
LikeLiked by 1 person
Yeah I think that feeling comes and goes, sometimes it feels impossible and like it’s all too much. Then other times there is some optimism & hope. I really hope that we can too. And I believe that we will xx
LikeLiked by 1 person
Yeah I swing like that too. Some days I’m so strong and then others I’m wailing that I don’t want to do it anymore and let’s just quit. Thankfully hubby is a little more stable with his feelings and keeps me going. I think there is a lot of hope for both of us. Just more patience required. Ugh. xx
LikeLiked by 1 person
Hello Ash, I’ve enjoyed reading your blog. I had a misscarage in Feb and mothers day was really hard. I understand your sentiment on how sometimes it feels like drifting through life. I’ll be starting IVF in July. Good luck to you! (Follow me at pregnantwithjra.blogspot.com)
LikeLiked by 1 person
Thank you so much for your comment! I’m so sorry to hear of your miscarriage. I’ve just visited your blog and read your TTC timeline, you had been through so much with your JRA to try to get your body ready for a baby, and I’m sure that made the miscarriage even more devastating. I really hope that your IVF is a great success in July!
LikeLike
I just came across your blog and have been catching up with your story! I’m so sorry to read about your miscarriage. It’s so cruel to get pregnant with ivf only to have it taken away again. I think it’s a good idea to take a break and get back to yourself and then face the next steps when you feel read again. Good luck, crossing my fingers for you!
LikeLiked by 1 person
Thank you so much for your comment…yes it sure is cruel, and extremely common too. We went to a follow up appointment a couple of weeks ago and it is becoming more and more apparent that I’m not ready to go again just yet. The thought of starting from scratch makes me super anxious. Thanks so much for the support, I’m about to pop on over to your blog for a visit.
LikeLike
Hey honey. How are you doing? I haven’t been on here for a few months as I’ve been getting on with life (and been crazy busy with a new job). Hope all is well. XXX
LikeLike